Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
The air taste purple.
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