I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
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You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
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Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I need to calm my uterus...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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