just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
