Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
