I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
