she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
