420 ftw
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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