3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
