Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
