Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just made my gag reflex go away.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
