I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I can't put those talents on a resume
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
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