Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
