She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
