At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
