a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
