you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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