that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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