and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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