Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
