I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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