he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
