The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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