My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
