I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
