I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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