Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
