I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
