I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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