It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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