I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
