the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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