Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
