she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
