Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
