I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
