I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
