you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
