Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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