I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
