I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
