Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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