you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
They took my balls.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
