what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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