puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
