I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You don't make any sense
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