I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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