I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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