i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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