I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
