Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me š
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I donāt think he understands how Social Media works.
I just made the most āsingle lifeā Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
