she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
