there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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