Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
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