Tell her she can't have a vagina
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Found your dick twin last night
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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