Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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