Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
