I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Randomize
