I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
oh god was she eating orange peels again
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
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Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's shark week go big or go home
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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