You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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